Monday, 20 October 2014

#Blogtober14: My Biggest Fear

Confronting Monday and revealing my biggest fear… wow this morning feels like quite the whammy.  But I built this space of mine to say what I want to, a place for me to babble on about chapstick addictions, shopping dreams and TV bingeing… and sometimes to even say the hard stuff. 

I have the usual fears, like dying, snakes, spiders crawling into my mouth at night and laying eggs in my cheek. Those scare the crap out of me. But after putting some actual thought into it and being honest with myself, I need to come to terms with something pretty serious that scares me. 

I am terrified that I will never lose the extra weight I carry around every day and that my health will deteriorate even further.  Something is stopping me from waking up and changing, stopping me from choosing to eat a salad over fries and gravy, choosing a long walk over Netflix TV.  I drink glasses of wine to wash down McCain's Chocolate Deep & Delicious cake all the while knowing that I have a serious muffin top already in my "fat" jeans. I now wear leggings a lot not because it’s Fall but because nothing else fits.  I am also having major issues with my lower back and I'm about 99.99% sure it's a weight issue. I am literally sacrificing my body and health for fried foods and TV.  

How is it possible that I recognize this and yet - still keep living the way I'm living??

How am I supposed to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy like this? 

If I’m really honest another fear I have buried is that I will never be a mother.

I am going on a vacation with my husband in less than three weeks and even though I hate myself every time I look in a mirror I am not doing anything about it. 

When do I hit rock bottom and start to change?

 
 
Helene in Between Blogtober
 

2 comments:

  1. I know how hard it was to put the above out there and you know that I feel very much the same. We will keep trying together. XOXO

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think you look beautiful and you should focus everyday what all qualities you do love about yourself. Take it slow, and you'll get there. Just take baby steps toward the direction of your dreams...as long as you are going that direction don't hurry just get there. I know the struggle though, I used to not enjoy things simply because of how I felt about how I looked. It takes over. I started slow and did simple things....things that I felt showed that I loved myself. Begin that self love journey. You're worth it. I am not completely there but I have come a long long way. I spend mornings visualizing how I want to feel and look. I spent nights falling asleep visualizing how I want to feel and look. I slowly found myself making better choices and over time I looked better and better. You've got this. Keep it simple and don't be hard on yourself.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to comment!